“The place burned down? Fuck you, pay me. Lightning struck? Fuck you, pay me. Slow business? Fuck you, pay me.” – Ray Liotta, Goodfellas
There seems to be a lot of confusion around what it means to pay a Dominatrix. The gangsta mantra re-appropriated by sex workers: ‘fuck you pay me’ comes to mind as short hand for the frustration that repeatedly explaining the bleeding obvious engenders, and beyond that the anger that results from being on the receiving end of constant attempts at energetic mugging AKA time wasting. Nevertheless I’ll offer a few thoughts on the matter.
I think its important to say that paying a Dominatrix for her time energy and expertise is not an insult to your manhood, if you are in fact a man, regardless of who you are, it does not lessen you to pay your Mistress. Neither should paying be understood by either party as an assertion of Capitalism. Capitalism exists anyway. However we would like things to be, and whether we believe bodies, or sex should, or should not be commodified, the fact is that they are. The fact is food and water and shelter are also commodified. Everything pertaining to human existence has a price attached to it. That is simply the hell we humans have created for ourselves.
Some men find it hard to accept that women they find attractive do not feel obliged to play with them for free. These men often seem to have done little or no work on themselves as people, or specifically to develop as submissives’. These are men who cannot worship feet, or take a beating, or cook, or clean, or put up shelves. These are men who aren’t attractive, or funny, or clever, or kind. They are actually maybe not very nice people. These are men who in short have nothing or little to offer a bright, beautiful powerful woman in return for the huge amount of pleasure they would receive from being played with by her. It seems to me that those who often balk the most at the notion of paying a tribute are those who should realize that they have nothing to offer but their money.
Paying is simply what people who actually want to see a Dominatrix do rather than wasting time talking about it, or wanking over angry rejection emails. To give a simple analogy, when one eats in a restaurant, one looks at the menu and then orders something appetising. enjoys the meal and then pays. One does not debate the cost of the meal with the waiter, cause a scene and leave still hungry. It’s really the same, but because sex is involved people cant see the wood for the trees. Paying a Domme does not have some complex hidden meaning, it is simply about enabling her to give you time and energy, a space within which you may develop a connection that could potentially positively change your life. In this sense paying your Mistress is an act of self-respect. By paying her you are valuing your own sexuality and well – being as well as hers.
Id also like to take this opportunity to dispel a common myth which is that by paying a Dominatrix you cant be sure that she will do what she wants to do, in other words you cant trust that the dynamic is D/S. Apart from the obvious point that the very act itself of paying her reinforces the D/S dynamic, regardless of being paid a Dominatrix always decides what she does and does not do, and with whom based on her own interests, feelings and desires. I can promise you that if she is a Dominatrix, and not an escort who offers fetish role-play, or a moonlighting fetish model, it is extremely unlikely she will do whatever you want her to do. It’s unlikely she will get naked, its unlikely she will take her top off, its unlikely she will let you worship her in a more intimate way, or face sit you without underwear, its unlikely she will have sex with you, its unlikely she will agree to do something that would harm you. Please believe me when I say she will have ignored such ignorant requests hundreds of times, and that she will be practiced in keeping her boundaries. She knows that her power and her ability to control men and to inspire their desire and submissive arousal resides in not doing what men want her to do, in the act of denial.
Beyond pragmatism paying your Mistress is as I’ve already said an acceptance of the inequality at the heart of a real D/S exchange and so it should be a source of pleasure. As a sub you should enjoy the fact that you pay your Mistress because it reinforces the notion that she is not your equal, that she is your superior, your teacher and your guide, and that she possesses skills, experience and knowledge that you value because these factors and not only her looks make her who she is, a person who you can trust to take you down the most delightful primrose path and take care of you along the way.
Fin Dom has muddied the waters somewhat around this issue, especially for many younger kinksters who do not remember the scene before its arrival. So to be clear the acceptance of the necessity to pay your mistress has nothing to do with financial domination where the exchange of the money itself is fetishized. I make no judgment upon Financial Domination and Fin Dommes, I just want to clarify that it is a distinct kink and that it raises a separate set of questions. I’m simply talking about the real material and emotional requirement to pay for your Mistresses time to pay attention to you, to play with you, to train you and to shape you to please her and to be a good sub or slave she can be proud of.
Inversely by the same logic paying your Mistress for a session or two does not give you any special status. It does not make you indispensable to her. It simply makes you her client. Paying your Mistress is simply a rational acceptance of material reality and money basically serves a function for your Mistress, which is to sort the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, and the timewasters from the sincere submissives’. By paying your Mistress, by being reliable, consistent and considerate you communicate that you are serious, that you are grounded and that she is not wasting her time and energy by engaging with you.
Money greases the wheels, but it is also a contentious issue because it’s significant in terms of wider society and power. Money is very significant to a wider Feminist discussion about ‘women’s work’ and how it’s valued or not valued in society. Most men simply don’t value what the women in their lives do for them every day for free. Most women’s domestic work, childcare, catering, emotional work, social work, sexual work, in short the work of being a wife, a mother and a housewife goes unacknowledged, unvalued and remains invisible. The work women do out of love for their families is largely taken for granted. The burden of the unpaid labour and time out of a career involved in raising children and making a home still falls to women, and men have made it and kept it that way. Its now 2019 and the men in power everywhere have proven through their inactivity on equal pay, childcare, domestic and sexual violence and many other social justice issues that they are disinterested in facilitating equality, that they are not interested in sharing money, power and resources, and so we must conclude that its now up to women to take them. For these reasons and many more making men pay is a source of comfort and happiness. Ignoring their compliments, their pleading, and ridiculous promises of eternal worship and unconditional slavery and instead making them put their money where their mouth is definitely part of the pleasure of being a Dominatrix. It exposes the insincerity and selfishness of many ‘subs’, many fetishists, and how very happy they are to try to use women to get sexual gratification. They promise the moon but in reality aren’t prepared to give anything. As soon as they are asked to value a Dommes time and energy they move on and continue their eternal search for a less confident assertive woman who will give them what they want for free.
I think its important to make the point that none of the selfish arrogant male entitlement, discrimination and exploitation of women that is standard in wider society has any place in FemDom. Dominatrices are women who do not accept the role, or the deal offered to them by society. They are women who have sought out a refuge in FemDom from the madness that passes for normality. This rejection of vanilla society and what it has to offer involves conscious decision-making, self-determination, confidence and strength of character to execute it, and presumably submissive people are attracted to Dommes for these very reasons. Because they are resilient, strong and determined to stack the cards in their own favour. Dommes know their power resides in not tolerating what other women tolerate and in not doing what other women do. Your Mistress does not need you, and she doesn’t unconditionally care for you, or love you, she doesn’t accept your excuses or failures like your mum or your girlfriend does, you have to earn your place by her side and work to retain it, and that’s why she excites you. Your Mistress commands your respect because she will not be treated any other way, she will not accept less and you value her and your time with her precisely because you pay for it. You pay attention to how she feels and what she wants. You are obedient and attentive. You work to keep her in your life. And by paying for her time, giving her gifts, doing as she tells you to, deferring to her, changing yourself to please her you invite her to dominate you more, and you make her happy and she wants you close to her, and there is nothing better for a sub than feeling like Mistresses favourite pet.
Its also apparent that consistently paying a Mistress in the longer term is the most significant form of service because any sub who does this is doing his share of the work involved in guaranteeing her security and well being, her ability to thrive, not only survive. It’s about the commitment and what it means. It represents self-sacrifice and real care. It’s the opposite to arousal driven self-interested false flattery and insincere declarations of devotion.
Words are cheap. Words don’t pay the bills; don’t put food on the table. The bottom line is subs who aren’t prepared to pay, or to contribute in real tangible ways to their Mistresses financial, material, long term wellbeing are fantasists and not real submissives.
In short if you need it explaining to you, there’s probably no hope for you.